I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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