Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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