So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
