help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
