I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
