It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
