with your own penis?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
