Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
