remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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