Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
