Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
