Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
