Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
