I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
