you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
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