Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
