oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
