cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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