only if we run a train.
done.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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