brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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