you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
