the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
