Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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