how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
