mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
