if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
