Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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