The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
