Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
