Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
