I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
