just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
