Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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