she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
