If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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