I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
