I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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