the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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