Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
