I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
