I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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