Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
