your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
