i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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