i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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