Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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