I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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