Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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