That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
