I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
