she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
