Tell her she can't have a vagina
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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