He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
