Can i not drive my cunt home
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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