watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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